A Woman So Heartless...

Just hearing her voice makes my blood boil. I can't stand to be in the same room with her. And yet, I'm forced to live with her. I know I don't have any right to, but I resent everything about her. Her lack of respect for her parents. The way she yells at everyone instead of going to talk to them. The way she cries about anything that doesn't go her way. The fact that she has no consideration for any one's feelings other than her own. Her materialistic attitude. Her drug addiction and lack of desire to try and cure it. Her laziness. Her missing concern for her own daughter. Her thirst for money. Her hate for her sweet brother. I can't stand anything about her.

I'll Do Anything To Just Feel Better...

I miss him. I miss him every single day. I have dreams about him. I know it sounds stupid. He's not a person...he's a dog. And not a very good one at that. But I miss him anyway. The way he used to wake me up in the morning. The way he used to snuggle with me on the couch. The stupid things he used to do. The humor and happiness he brought into our lives. I know it's silly. He's just a dog...I shouldn't miss him as much as I do. But I do. Every day. I just hope wherever he is, he's happy.

Will Once Again Be BLONDE...

Okay, so being a brunette was fun. While it lasted. But, I need a change. So much has happened in my life over the past year and I need to move forward, so I am starting with my hair. With means going back to being a gorgeous, blonde BOMBSHELL. I have this huge plan for myself and it doesn't include dying my hair dark once a month. So, I am going to go back to being me. Which does include being blonde. And I am thrilled.

God Please...

I have never needed my baby more than I do now...I need Tyson  back. I don't care what I have to do in order to get him back...I'll do anything. I promise. Just please...I need him back so badly. I will pray every day until I get him back. I just...I need him back.

Venting...

I am used to hating my sister-in-law. I have grown accustom to our agressive relationship of me hating her and loving her sweet daughter. But now, she's in pain. A lot of pain. And I can't be mean. It's my greatest problem...too much sympathy. I can't do anything about it. I see her cry, and even though it's irritating, I feel guilt. Is she my responsibility? No. Of course not. But, as usual, I feel obligated to help. This always happens. And they all knew I would fall in line.


I just want to tell her that it's not like she's an American hero who got blown up in Iraq or saved a child from a burning building and was injured. But you don't say that to someone who just got their kneecap shattered and had metal rods and plates put in it's place. Whether she inflicted this on herself, or it was her husband's doing, it's still awful. And if she really inflicted this upon herself...all of this pain and dependency...then I really pity her. She needs help to do everything...And I do mean everything. Eat, sleep, relieve herself. Everything someone has to help her do.  It's no life. And they enable it. And she milks it for all they're worth.


I understand...my wounds aren't visible. They aren't a shattered bone or a bleeding gash. But they exsist. My lack of self-esteem keeps me held at bay every single day. Keeping me from being the sweet, funny wife I should be...the loving, impressive daughter...the protective, understanding sister...the confident, amazing individual. All of these things I want and need to be I can't seem to be.


I need to move on. I am so tired of putting myself on the backburner...either I do it for my messed up, broken family, or I do it because I am just too depressed to get out of bed. And just when I was starting to get back who I am...just when I was starting to fix myself, this happened. Now I'm back, standing terrified on square one...and there are angry sharks all around keeping me from moving forward.

She has a favorite phrase that gets her out of trouble when someone is yelling at her. It rings in my head and haunts me day in and day out.

"That's what family does for each other. They help each other through hardships like this, and I need your help."

Well...if this is true...who's helping me through mine?